Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.