When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
You Might Also Like
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?