narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.