I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You Might Also Like
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”