I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage