one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Feels
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands