Who does Amazon think I am?
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
<—- homeless romantic
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money