Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow