I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The human personality is made of five key elements
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.