In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
We need more people like this.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Ha