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Can. I. Help. You.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.