It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”