If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Worst perfume name ever.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!