Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll