From my Mom
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shut up and take my money
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?