*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.