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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.