It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here