Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂