[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me My dog
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
can you read it!!??
maan!
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
omg leave her alone