*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
You can’t outrun your problems…
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS