There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
wait.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head