Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
choose your fighter
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place