Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
It’s the weekend y’all
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”