I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river