Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.