Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
A ghost story
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.