[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.