gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
shampoo implies shampee
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.