She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.