I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*