In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.