getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]