Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.