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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My blood type is b hungry.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans