Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.