Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me My dog
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head