I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.