My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Put this video in the Louvre
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*