Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This makes total sense…
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.