[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 馃暢 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: So I hear you鈥檙e the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn鈥檛 me
Me: Impressive
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you鈥檙e telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don鈥檛 remember
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Of course, I鈥檓 an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
can鈥檛 talk rn I鈥檓 busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Ingl茅s
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can鈥檛 name a quicker way to learn Latin.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn鈥檛 want to be picked up
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.