*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other