My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?