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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”