How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You Might Also Like
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.