Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Today’s Times
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.