Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.