Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
necessity is the mother of invention
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.