I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester