“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week